GRIZZLE
PHYSICAL INTIMACY by Pia Mellody
Having a good relationship is such a tricky business- this business of sharing truth with another, of talking and listening. The voices of our fasly empowered and disempowered childhood's still fight for a place in the script. They try to take over our vocal cords when we seek to share our adult truths. They want to sabotage our maturity and drag us back to the adapted or wounded dysfunction of the past. They try to make us take on the familiar role of mama's boy, Scapegoat, Lostchild, Hero, or Heroine, Surrogate, Partner, Surrogate Parent, or family Counselor. The emotions this internecine strife provokes in us what we feel in our relationships. And unless we know about trauma and recovery, we think these feelings are normal-just the way things are in a tough world.
It takes authentic self-esteem to give those abusive voices closure. When they are silenced or under control, relationships happen. Then we receive communication from our partners without the shame, fear, or panic that drives old voices to command us to attack, defend, or flee. From this place of self-esteem, we present our truth with love, or at a minimum with respect, for our partner.
People in relationships communicate their authentic self to one another. When they seek intimacy, they are neither hostile nor defensive; when they partners seek intimacy from them, they are neither walled off nor resentful.
The currencies with which we share intimacy are our bodies, emotions, and thoughts. We give off energy from these sources and we receive them. When these energies are sent our way and we are receiving, we must choose to accommodate only the energies and truths that fit us.
For example, let us say your partner becomes angry with you because you donnot want to go to a party that night. He says you are selfish for not wanting to go and all you ever think of is your own convenience. He says you do not love him. He not only says it but perhaps he shouts it. If none of what he has said to you is true, if what you said about needing time alone is true, you must keep your partner's inappropriate energies and thoughts at a distance. You must do so, but in a way that is respectful of him. This discipline gives spiritual substance to the old concept of "not taking things personally." If you have respect for him, you will know that he is caught in up in some emotional bind that keeps him from seeing your truth. Something is wrong with his emotional state. He has a problem. And so does the relationship. You will want to help him for the sake of the relationship. Your self-esteem will be untouched.
You do not dismiss what is being shared with you. Instead you recognize that the energy and misapprehension that your partner directed at you do not fit you. Your interest in coming to an understanding is so that the two of you can be intimate- so that you can both know the truth of what you are feeling and thinking.
A lack of containment is often at the center of troubled relationships. When someone directs emotion and thought at us and also when we are directing emotion and thought at others, we will become dysfunctional in either direction if we cannot properly contain our energies behind healthy boundaries. Let us say you want the girl you have just meet and been attracted to feel strongly about to you. You tell her she is the most beautiful creature God ever created. You tell her you are bowled over and that no one else but she matters. She had become the center of your universe. This blast of energy, rather than pleasing your girlfriend, scares her, She thinks you may be crazy. After all, you hardly know one another, she thinks. She withdraws behind a wall.
When we become boundaryless, we allow in too much from another person or send out too much ourselves. We may be too loud, too sexual, too emotional, or too overwhelming with our opinions or leaning. When we are sending out too much stuff and bombarding our partner, she becomes vulnerable, victimized, resentful, and miserable. We have broken through her safety zone and caused her discomfort and pain.
On the other hand, when there is too much containment, we protect the self so carefully that nothing reaches us. We have constructed walls for boundaries and made ourselves invulnerable. Your partner might tell you he cannot trust you. You are unmoved. He shares his opinions with you, and you seem not to have heard. You have shut down and stepped out of the relationship. Without outside intervention, such as seeing a therapist, there is no possibility of change. With walls for boundaries, there is no such thing as a relationship. Intimacy has been denied.
Boundary dysfunction is experienced either as walls for boundaries or boundaryless excess; these are the extremes between which healthy boundaries operate. Like the functional adult I described in Chapter 4, who would get into the middle of the conversation between the dysfunctional extremes of the abused child, healthy boundary practice establishes the middle ground between our feeling too vulnerable and feeling invulnerable, between wanting to express too much and not wanting to express anything al all. A healthy boundary creates controlled vulnerability.
Controlled vulnerability keeps us open enough so that our partners can know us, but it defends us from destructive incoming energy. When we practice controlled vulnerability, we protect our partners from the unloving or disrespectful energies we have the potential as perfectly imperfect human being to discharge.
At the same time, we defend our authentic selves from the unloving or disrespectful energies from which we ourselves might get targeted.
To achieve controlled vulnerability one needs healthy boundaries. There are two kinds of boundaries that relate to physical and sexual contact or sharing. One refers to nonsexual closeness and touching and is called the external physical boundary and the other is about sexuality and is called the external sexual boundary.
There are also internal boundaries that we use when we share ideas and emotions. To function intimately in relationship, we work both our external physical and sexual boundaries and our internal boundaries of mind and emotion.
Physical boundaries become relevant when we approach someone with the intent to get physically close or when we invite someone to be physically close to us. These kinds of nonsexual approaches and invitations are in the realm of the affectionate. We may say goodnight to our hostess by leaning forward with the intention of kissing her check. Or she might take a step closer to us and incline her head forward, inviting us to kiss her cheek. Generally, whether being approached affectionately or approaching affectionately, we relax.
Affectionate approaches require controlled containment, because it is abusive to engage others in physical intimacy, even if it is nonsexual, without some sort of permission from them. Seeking permission is an act of respect and love and centers us in the truth of our wanting to be physically intimate with another. Many of us do not recognize that we are seeking intimacy, even is we mimic it. Maybe we are taking affection to hide the fact that we had a terrible time at the party. Sometimes we might be grandstanding, trying to go on one-up with our display of graciousness. Sometimes we are being bullies, taking physical liberties so disguised by convention that their origin in sexual aggression is successfully camouflaged. But if we genuinely want to be affectionate, we will know the truth of our desire for intimacy to take responsibility for it. Intimacy is a serious transaction that requires agreement from both parties. If we want to kiss our hostess on the check, we might say, "May I give you a kiss?" When she says yes, the reward is warm relaxation. If she says no, how interesting.
The receiver of affection must practice containment also. As the other person approaches us, we should think of containing his affection offer so that what is offered matches what fits us. I know of a drunk who thought it was all right to rub his loins against his hostess's crotch as he said thanks for the party. By not keeping him at a distance and by not expressing her shame and anger, this woman suffered remorse, and the painful scene attacked her self-esteem for many days.
Protecting yourself and evaluating the content of an incoming offer is an act of self-esteem. You are centering on the truth of who you are and the kind of physical intimacy that fits your authentic feelings.
There is a boundary statement that sets up this particular transaction and it is "I have a right to decide who touches me and who does not." You have the right to control how close another gets to stand to you whether they get to touch you and your private property-like your mail, phone messages, photographs, and dairy. This boundary allows you to sort through a physical approach and make a decision about how vulnerable you choose to be.
The external physical boundary gives us the power to determine just how another person is going to be intimate with us. This is self-protection. In the act of containing the affectionate intimacy being offered we evaluate the details of what is coming our way and decide what we are going to allow. Because we are healthy, we are going to be open to only true and respectful information. Our expectation of receiving such true and respectful information pays the same spiritual compliment that we pay to our self. Healthy practice of external physical boundary is, therefore, an act of self-love and recognition of the truth of what the other person intends.
"I have a right to decide who touches me and who does not" is one-half of the boundary statement. The other half is "The same is true for you."
Ground rules for avoiding external Physical Boundary Violations.
1. Don't stand in another's personal space without permission. Generally speaking, eighteen inches from the person's body is considered that person's own private space and shouldn't be entered without permission.
2. Don't touch a person without permission
3. Don't get into a person's belongings- purse, wallet. Mail, etc- or living space without permission.
4. Don't listen to a person's personal or phone conversations without permission.
5. Don't expose others to contagious illness when you know you are contagious.
6. Don't smoke around nonsmokers in an identified nonsmoking area.
Let us consider the external sexual boundary. I have a responsibility as I am approaching someone sexually to contain my self sexually in the interest of the comfort of the other person. This action involves the establishment of the external sexual boundary. The boundary statement that sets the healthy exercise of the sexual motives is " I have a right to control with whom, when, where, and how I am going to be sexual. And the same is true for you."
If I concentrate on the first part, this boundary statement empowers me to make my own decision about whether to be sexual with someone, whether I like him or not, and, if I agree to be sexual. I still have responsibility and the right to determine when, where, and how I want to do that. When I protect myself this way, I am performing and act of self-love. I am dealing with truth of my sexual motive and my partner's.
Our external sexual boundary must be in place when someone is approaching us with sexual motives. We have to be respectful of what that person is saying to us about when, where, and how. We cannot just demand our way. As we are being physically or sexually intimate, we either signal our availability or discourage it, but with respect.
Ground Rules for Avoiding External Sexual Boundary Violations.
1. Don't engage a person without permission.
2. Don't insist on having your way sexually in the face of another's "no."
3. Don't demand unsafe sexual practices.
4. Don't expose others to sexual experience without permission.
5. Don't sexually shame another person.
When you have a functional boundary, you protect and contain yourself while remaining vulnerable enough for intimacy but not so vulnerable that you can be easily damaged. When you have a wall for a boundary you block all intimacy and become invulnerable and, therefore, incapable of intimacy. When you have no boundary, you do not protect yourself from other people at all, so you do not contain yourself, so you regularly offend people.
The protective part of an external physical boundary could be a wall, but the containment part of the same external physical boundary could be nonexistent. Boundary systems are different from person to person, and their power in one area or weakness in another generates what kind of people we become in relationships.
External physical and sexual boundary architecture
Here are examples of the external physical and sexual boundaries when (1) the boundary system is intact, (2) when there is a wall, and (3) when there is no boundary. In each instance there is a protective part and a containment part.
External Physical Protective Boundary
1. The external physical boundary establishes distance and non-sexual touching. When the protection part of the external physical boundary is functioning properly, the individual decides who is going to touch him, how close he will permit other people to get to him, and whether he will permit them to touch his private property.
2. When the external physical protective boundary is a wall, the individual never lets anyone near her; nor does she permit anyone to touch her private property.
3. .When the external physical protective boundary is nonexistent, the individual; will let
Anyone gets in his face or touch him physically, and he permits anyone to get into his private property without saying anything.
External Physical Containment Boundary
1. If the physical containment boundary is functioning properly, a person will not get in someone's face to touch her or get into her personal things without permission.
2. When the external physical containment boundary is a wall, the individual never approaches another person to stand close or to touch, and others never get near his personal things.
3. When the external physical containment boundary is nonexistent, meaning the person has no self0containemtn at all, at his whim he will touch other people, get in their faces, and get into their private stuff without asking permission.
External sexual protective boundary
1. When an individual's external sexual protective boundary is functioning, he decides who, when, where, and how someone is going to be sexual with him. As someone approaches him, he figures if he wants to be sexual, and if he chooses to, he decides when, where, and how he will do that.
2. When an individual's external sexual protective boundary is a wall, he never responds to a sexual approach. He walls off from sexual approaches, acts as if they were not happening, and refuses to be sexual.
3. When an individual's external sexual protective boundary is nonexistent, he cannot say no to any sexual approach and is sexual with who wants to be sexual with him.
External Sexual Containment Boundary
1. When an individual's external sexual containment boundary is functional, he always asks and gets permission before becoming sexual with his partner.
2. When an individual's external sexual containment boundary is a wall, he never makes sexual approaches to anyone.
3. When an individual does not have an external sexual containment boundary, he makes sexual advances without permission or in the face of the other person's refusal.
GROUND RULES FOR AVOIDING EXTERNAL PSYSICAL BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS
1. Don't stand in another's personal space without permission. Generally speaking, eighteen inches from persons body is considered that person's own private space and shouldn't be entered without permission.
2. Don't touch a person without permission
3. Don't get into a person's belongs -purse, wallet, mail, etc.- or living space without permission.
4. Don't listen to a person's personal or phone conversations without permission.
5. Don't expose others to contagious illness when you know you are contagious.
6. Don't smoke around nonsmokers in an identified nonsmoking area.
Let us now consider external sexual boundary. I have a responsibility as I am approaching somebody sexually to contain myself sexually in the interest of the comfort of the other person. This action involves the establishment of the external sexual boundary.
The boundary statement that sets up the healthy exercise of the sexual motive is" I have a right to control; with whom, when, when, and how I am going to be sexual. And the same is true for you."
If I concentrate on the first part, this boundary statement empowers me to make my own decision about whether to be sexual with someone, whether I like him or not, and, if I agree to be sexual, I still have the responsibility and the right to determine when, where and how I want to do that. When I protect myself this way, I am performing an act of self-love. I am dealing with the truth of my sexual motive and my partner's.
Our external sexual boundary must be in place when someone is approaching us with sexual motives. We have to be respectful of what that person is saying to us about when, where, and how. We cannot just demand our way. As we are being physically or sexually intimate, we either signal our availability or discourage it, but with respect.
Ground rules for Avoiding External; Sexual Boundary Violations.
1.Don't engage a person sexually without permission.
Don't insist on having your way sexually in the face of another's no
Don't demand unsafe sexual practices
Don't expose others to sexual experiences without permission
Don't sexually shame another person
When you have a functional boundary, you protect and contain yourself while remaining vulnerable enough for intimacy but not so vulnerable that you can be easily damaged.
When you have a wall for a boundary, you block all intimacy and become invulnerable and, therefore, incapable of intimacy. When you have no boundary, you do not protect yourself from other people at all, so you get victimized a lot. With no boundaries, you also do not contain yourself, so you regularly offend people. The provtion part of an external Physical boundary could be a wall, but the containment part of the same external physical boundary could be nonexistent. Boundary systems are different from person to person, and their power in one area or weakness in another generates what kind of people we become in relationships.
EXTERNAL PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL BOUNDARY ARCHITECTURE.
Here are examples of the external physical and sexual boundaries when (1) the boundary system is intact, (2) when there is a wall, and (3) when there is no boundary. In such instance there is a protective part and a containment part.
EXTERNAL PHYSICAL PROCTECTIVE BOUNDRY
1. The external physical boundary establishes distance and non-sexual touching. When the protective part of the external physical boundary is functioning properly, the individual decides who is going to touch him, how close he will permit other people to get to him, and whether he will permit them to touch his private property.
2. When the external physical protection boundary is a wall, the individual never lets anyone get near her, nor does she permit anyone to touch her private property.
3. When the external physical protective boundary is nonexistent, the individual will let anyone get in his face or touch him physically, and he permits anyone to get into his private property without saying anything.
EXTERNAL PHYSICAL CONTAINMENT BOUNDRY
1. If the external physical containment boundary is functioning properly, a person will not get in someone's face or touch her or get into her personal things without permission.
2. When the external physical containment boundary is a wall, the individual never approaches another person to stand close or to touch, and others never get near his personal things.
3. When the external physical containment boundary is nonexistent, meaning the person has no self-containment at all, at his whim he will touch other people, get in their faces, and get into their private stuff without asking permission.
EXTERNAL SEXUAL PROTECTIVE BOUNDARY
1. When an individual's external sexual protective boundary is functioning, he decides who, when, where, and how someone is going to be sexual with him. As someone approaches him, he figures out if he wants to be sexual, and if he chooses to, he decides when, where, and how he will do that.
2. When an individual's external sexual protective boundary is a wall, he never responds to a sexual approach. He walls off from sexual approaches, acts as if there were not happening, and refuses to be sexual.
3. When an individual's external sexual protective boundary is nonexistent, he cannot say no to any sexual approach and is sexual with anyone who wants to be sexual with him.
EXTERNAL SEXUAL CONTAINMENT BOUNDRY
1. When an individual's external sexual containment boundary is functional, he always asks and gets permission before becoming sexual with his partner.
2.When an individual's external sexual containment boundary is a wall, he never makes sexual approaches to anyone.
3.When an individual does not have an external sexual containment boundary, he makes sexual advances without permission or in the face of the other person's refusal.
FAMILIES
